Do it all

The latest ramblings from an incomplete mind…

I don’t know if it’s the season, the weather or just my state of mind, but these recent days have been troubling to say the least. Everywhere I look I have unfinished business to take care of. Things to fix, things to sell, so many half-started projects and half-finished ones that I can barely move in my half-finished home. How the hell did I find myself here? More importantly, why?

To add to my list of incompletes, I have now unsettling and unfinished business with family members, which is great because these fit nicely with all the unfinished love affairs, or should I say, unresolved love issues that I keep putting off for reasons I just can’t reason out. In fact every time I think I have found the answer, an unsureness develops immediately behind that recent answer to undermine the security of the insecurity of the unknown. Why do I do this to me? I know I am my own worst enemy, not unlike many of us when we really look at our individual actions, however, I thought I was above all that, not that I’m trying to say I feel superior to anyone, it’s just that I thought I understood why I and therefore ‘we’ do, the things we do. I guess knowing the answers, just as knowing the reasons for something, does not necessarily mean we change our habits overnight, as it were. In fact we may never change all it would seem. Perhaps all we really do is to understand our actions, right or wrong? That’s almost a frightening thought in many ways, I shall endeavor to explore it further.

As to myself, I get into these predicaments because I know I can do many things myself and have pride in building and repairing what I need done. I have a problem with getting anyone else to do something which I know I can do. The problem is that I take on way too much and do not have the time, energy or the finances to accomplish much of them. Hence I have many things unfinished and still take on more. And I take on more to ‘forget’ the growing pile behind my mind.

Is it I don’t trust anyone else to do things - maybe? Is it I don’t have the money to pay them – usually? But with so much to do, every move reveals another chore screaming its insistence at me.

Problem is with all these things demanding attention; the very thought drains the essence and needed energy from what’s left of my sanity, to accomplish them. Help me – Me - Oh Damn, something else to fix…